


It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Group Chat

by thefineprint



Category: South Park
Genre: (that's creek), (that's style), Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - High School, Chatting & Messaging, Established Relationship, Fluff, Getting Together, Group Chat Fic, Homophobia, Humor, M/M, Mutual Pining, Texting, craig and tweek are the ultimate power couple, dudes being bros being guys being gay, how fun, i'll add tags as i add chapters, is it crack? iono, it's actually not all group chat there's some story format parts in each chapter it's a mix, lame and full of tropes but that's what group chat fics are for, so many innuendos, this is not the place to go if you want angst, this is the place to go if you want jokes and solid relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-04-04 11:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14019651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefineprint/pseuds/thefineprint
Summary: Tha Boyz are back and now they have a group chat--smokin snack: tf??? Clyde why are you so obedient all of a sudden you’re never this obedient with meslyde to the left: I have no reason not to oblige tweekslyde to the left: also why would I turn down an opportunity to hit youscantron: did you mean to make that sound incredibly sexual token because you didbrofalafel: lmao I knew Clyde was a bratty subslyde to the left: shut the FUCCK UP JFCsmokin snack: s t o psmokin snack: also kyle you’re one to talkbrofalafel: ok wowzenith mcdoordick: omg low key is he wrong thobrofalafel: YES KENNY HE ISsmokin snack: kyle is stan’s brat pass it on





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Never enough lighthearted low-pressure amusing fics you feel me?

**Those Guys**

10 people in chat: Token Black, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Clyde Donovan, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, Jimmy Valmer

 

 **brofalafel** : Y’all wanna come over to mine and chill with stan & me

 

 **zenith mcdoordick:** hell yeah be there in 3

 **zenith mcdoordick:** the fuck what does that even mean lmaooo

 

 **brofalafel** : stan changed all of our names and I’m still snorting tbh they’re all fuckin dumb

 

 **scantron** : it was last night (this morning?) at like 3 I couldn’t sleep and I was cracking myself up

 **scantron** : ngl these are still funny as fuck low key

 

 **slyde to the left** : yeah we’ll be there in a hot sec as soon as token and jimmy can stop making out or whatever and get their asses out here

 **slyde to the left** : omf I love this I’m never changing it

 

 **scantron** : I know right Im so proud of yours

 

 **smokin snack** : jfc we were talking while I was feeding the dog

 **smokin snack** : ummm ok why hasnt this occurred to me before. stan thx

 

 **Hey what up its ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : Jesus clyde you’re so impatient youve been waiting for 5 min max

 **Hey what up its ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : BOI WHAT DID YOU NAME ME

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : LMAOOOOOOOO

 

 **Hey what up its ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : everyone else got a legit name & I’m just a vine how dare you

 

 **scantron** : sorry jimmy I got to you last and I was toeing delirium

 **scantron** : also idk about legit names I named myself scantron

 

 **Hey what up its ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : thats fair

 

 **Buttery sock** : kenny are you already at kyle’s?

 **Buttery sock** : what hahaha

 

 **slyde to the left** : what the shit I’m on the verge of death @ these names

 

 **brofalafel** : buttery sock????

 

 **scantron** : dude again I was not at my best

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : I’m officially deceased rip zenith mcdoordick

 **zenith mcdoordick** : also butters no I’ll grab you

 **zenith mcdoordick** : I’m outside your house

 

 **airsick shartman** : can you drive me too

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : Hahahahahaha airsick shartman

 **zenith mcdoordick** : uggghghghhg yeah fine I’ll be there in a sec

 

 **airsick shartman** : fuck you stan you’re a fucking fag

 

 **scantron** : was I wrong with that name tho folks

 

 **slyde to the left** : you were not that one’s spot on

 

 **brofalafel** : it fits better than his given name tbh

 

 **airsick shartman** : FUCK YOU GUYS

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : cartman I’m outside

 

 **smokin snack** : yo Kyle we’re here

 **smokin snack** : come to the door stop making out with stan and let us in

 

 **brofalafel** : announcement clyde and token and jimmy are dicks

 

 **slyde to the left** : Im not going to disagree

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : speaking of dicks craig just texted and asked me to pick him & tweek up at the coffee shop but now they seem to have dropped off the map

 

 **brofalafel** : craigs probably got tweek laid out on the counter

 

 **scantron** : guuuys stop fucking and get with your friends

 

 **sleek streak** : fuck OFF we’e coming

 

 **smokin snack** : lol I bet you are

 

 **sleek streak** : clyde hit token please?

 

 **slyde to the left** : done

 

 **sleek streak** : thank u

 **sleek streak** : also sleek streak wtf

 

 **scantron** : idk man

 

 **smokin snack** : tf??? Clyde why are you so obedient all of a sudden you’re never this obedient with me

 

 **slyde to the left** : I have no reason not to oblige tweek

 **slyde to the left** : also why would I turn down an opportunity to hit you

 

 **scantron** : did you mean to make that sound incredibly sexual token because you did

 

 **brofalafel** : lmao I knew Clyde was a bratty sub

 

 **slyde to the left** : shut the FUCCK UP JFC

 

 **smokin snack** : s t o p

 **smokin snack** : also kyle you’re one to talk

 

 **brofalafel** : ok wow

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : omg low key is he wrong tho

 

 **brofalafel** : YES KENNY HE IS

 

 **smokin snack** : kyle is stan’s brat pass it on

 

 **Legg succ** : Kenny are you outside

 **Legg succ** : what the fuck

 

 **smokin snack** : LMFAO

 

 **slyde to the left** : IM CRYING

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : W HA T

 

 **scantron** : CRAIG I COMPLETELY forgot about that one OMFG

 

 **Buttery sock** : ??????!

 

 **scantron** : who knows oh my god

 

 **Hey what up its ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : it’s oddly perfect tho

 

 **scantron** : OMG WE’RE ABOUT TO WITNESS TOKENS DEATH

 

 **brofalafel** : you guys hurry clyde is gonna make token eat velveeta because he’s mortally grossed out by it and has never had it because he’s rich it’s getting intense

 

 **scantron** : I think he’s going to throw up just looking at the label

 

 **Hey what up its ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : he literally begged clyde not to make him do it which was humiliating and fuckin hilarious but anyway clyde lowered the sentence to a spoonful of canned beets

 

 **airsick shartman** : we’re here we’re here don’t let him do it yet we can’t miss this

 

 

..

 

 

Kenny’s carpool group came barging through Kyle’s door as Token was staring at the spoonful of beets, gathering the courage to put it in his mouth. Stan, Jimmy, and Token were sitting on the couch, with Kyle sitting on the floor leaning back against it. Clyde was seated on the ground in front of Token. All five boys were watching Token intently.

 

“Hey losers, you’re just in time,” Kyle called, turning his head toward the newcomers as they shoved through the doorway.

 

“Ow, Kinny, you poor fuck, you elbowed me!”

 

“Jesus Christ, Cartman, stop being such a whiny bitch,” Craig snapped as he came up behind the couch to observe from a closer vantage point.

 

“Ay! Fuck you, Craig!” Cartman shoved Craig, who, not expecting the sudden push, stumbled forward directly into the back of Token’s head just as he was finally putting the spoon of canned beets in his mouth.

 

As Token’s head jerked forward from the impact, the spoon was pushed farther than he intended, and it jabbed the back of his throat, making him gag. His eyes were wide as he yanked the spoon out of his mouth, coughing and spluttering, sending the beets flying onto the ground as he recovered from the unexpected attack on his gag reflex.

 

“Dude, shit, I’m sorry, Cartman pushed me! Are you okay?” Craig’s apology, delivered around a stream of laughter, was almost buried under the wheezes and guffaws of the boys around Token.

 

Clyde gasped for air. “Oh my god, Token, your _face_.”

 

Kyle called out from the kitchen where he’d gone to grab some paper towels before the coughed up beets stained the floor. “You got wrecked by a spoon, dude.”

 

Jimmy was grinning. “The t-tah… t… timing of that wh…whole situation couldn’t have been b-b…better.”

 

As Token’s coughing died down, the fresh arrivals settled themselves, Craig patting Token’s head apologetically before moving.

 

Kenny hopped onto the armrest of the couch and sprawled his legs over Stan’s lap, Butters settling on the floor in front of said armrest. Cartman flopped onto the floor near Clyde, and Craig was loosely cross-legged on the ground facing the center of the couch. Tweek, who had been hooking his phone up to Kyle’s charger in the dining room, dropped to the floor and laid his head on Craig’s lap, stretching out on his back. Craig absently started to play with Tweek’s thick flyaway hair, and the blonde hummed appreciatively.

 

“So, I didn’t completely understand what you were saying in the group chat, fellas. What exactly happened leading up to this?” Butters questioned.

 

“Well, Clyde brought up the fact that Token was absolutely grossed out by Velveeta and had never tried it, and I remembered we had some in the pantry.” Kyle, finished taking care of the beets, returned to his place near Stan’s right leg. “So Clyde decided to make Token eat the Velveeta by threatening to post some terrible drunk picture of Token on Facebook if he didn’t, but then Token was literally about to throw up just looking at it so he begged Clyde, on his knees, like a little bitch—“ Token glared over at him through still watering eyes, “—not to make him do it, so Clyde agreed to keep the photo private if Token would eat a spoonful of canned beets, which are obviously gross.”

 

Token, having finally recovered, chimed in with vitriol. “I probably could handle the entire fucking container of Velveeta now, since Craig has probably forcibly removed my gag reflex.”

 

“Same,” Tweek spoke up casually, picking at his cuticles.

 

Every head in the room whipped around to gape at the blonde. Tweek smirked, not looking up from his fingers as his friends cracked up.

 

“God d- _damn_ , Tweek,” Jimmy said almost admiringly as the laughter was dying down.

 

“Honestly you pull out these sexual jokes frequently now and it still shocks me every single time,” Stan chuckled, shaking his head.

 

Tweek looked up at the group, a grin growing on his face. “Who said that was a joke, though?”

 

Clyde’s face scrunched up and he looked at Craig. “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww! I don’t need that image in my head!”

 

Token let out a puff of air. “Well thanks for saying that, Clyde, now we’re all picturing it.”

 

Craig, still snickering, shook his head in mock disappointment. “Ya nasty, all of you.”

 

 

..

 

 

Private chat for Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick

 

 **Kenny** : hey dude sorry for setting that off in the group chat, with you and kyle

 

 **Stan** : no you’re good man lol it’s all jokes

 

 **Kenny** : ok. I don’t want you to get all skittish ;)

 

 **Stan** : ?

 

 **Kenny** : with your feelings ;)

 

 **Stan** : ??

 

 **Kenny** : you like Kyle

 **Kenny** : Stan? You still there

 

 **Stan** : yeah

 **Stan** : I was deciding whether I was going to deny or just roll with it lmao

 

 **Kenny** : i figured lmao. dont worry tho I’m not going to do/say anything

 

 **Stan** : thanks

 **Stan** : how did you know? does everyone else know bc i'll just kill myself

 

 **Kenny** : nah man no one has any idea. I’ve just known you guys forever and I saw stuff kinda change

 **Kenny** : like there was some new stuff on top of all the super best friend stuff

 

 **Stan** : lmao the gayest term of all time

 

 **Kenny** : exactly, there’s clue #1

 

 **Stan** : so but why did you want to confront me on this

 

 **Kenny** : well first of all just to confirm lol.

 **Kenny:** And second of all because you should totally make a mooove

 **Kenny** : I wanna be that angel on your shoulder telling you to go get him

 **Kenny** : bc low-key you guys together would be hot af.

 **Kenny:** Cute for sure but also fuckin hot like god damn

 

 **Stan** : dude are you joking rn that’s a terrible idea

 **Stan** : he would dip out on my ass so quick

 **Stan** : also fuck off with that you better not be using your best friends for masturbation fodder you sick fuck

 

 **Kenny** : incorrect it’s actually a great idea

 **Kenny** : & you don’t control me

 

 **Stan** : bitch I s2g

 

 **Kenny** : you know you love me

 

 **Stan** : god knows why tho

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a solid 97% sex jokes

**Those Guys**

10 people in chat: Token Black, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Clyde Donovan, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, Jimmy Valmer

 

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : you guys my cousins and aunt and uncle are coming to visit this upcoming week and my parents got principal Victoria to let my cousins go to school with us.

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis:** How fuckin lame is that they’re on vacation and they still have to go to school lmao

 

 **slyde to the left:** the fuckkkkk lmao

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : fuckin losers hahaha

 **zenith mcdoordick:** are they cool tho? I’m assuming we have to hang out with them for a week so they better be

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : so thats the thing I haven’t seen/interacted with them since I was like six. Thats why both sets of parents wanted them to go to school with me, to maximize our time together since it’s been so long

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : I started texting one of them and she seems pretty cool so far

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : theres 2 of them in our grade, ben and Alicia, and a lil one named pam. I think she’s in Kyle’s brother’s grade. Idk why they’re making her go too since like she doesn’t have any age-appropriate cousins to go with but they are so ike might meet her

 

 **smokin snack** : wow lame are ben and Alicia twins

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : no Alicia is adopted

 

 **brofalafel** : jimmy thats rough hahaha your aunt and uncle are cruel. I’ll tell ike to keep an eye out for the lil one tho

 

 **sleek streak** : hey guys my throat is molded to the shape of craigs dick

 **sleek streak** : dFFguuUjj

 **sleek streak** : YOU GUYS that was Tricia

 

 **scantron** : OMFG WHAT

 

 **smokin snack** : S T O P P P

 

 **Legg succ** : hhHbb

 **Legg succ:** I haVe anexhibitionsm feTIssh iy

 

 **sleek streak** : that was fucking Tricia again she’s got his phone

 **sleek streak** : he’s banishing her now sorry about that you guys

 

 **Legg succ** : I’m going to kill that little shit

 

 **brofalafel** : I’m in tears right now

 

 **scantron** : I can confirm this tears are literally streaming down his face he’s on the floor wheezing

 **scantron** : tbh I’m on the bed wheezing

 

 **slyde to the left** : craig I need to give your sister a medal or something asap

 

 **Legg succ** : no the fuck you don’t

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : “I haVe anexhibitionsm feTIssh iy” -Craig Tucker

 

 **Legg succ** : IT WAS TRICIA

 

 **scantron** : But is it true

 **scantron** : Tweek you’re the unexpectedly open one does craig have anexhibitionsm feTIssh iy?

 

 **brofalafel** : lmaoooo

 

 **slyde to the left** : “unexpectedly open”? Damn Stan are you talking about his willingness to talk about sex or his asshole

 

 **sleek streak** : either works ;)

 

 **smokin snack** : NO

 

 **slyde to the left** : TWEEK

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : JFC

 

 **scantron** : im gonna scream

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : stans a screamer? Way to go kyle

 

 **brofalafel** : fuck off kenny

 

 **scantron** : >:(

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : I kid, I kid

 

 **Legg succ** : leave the Marsh-Broflovski household alone, they have enough to deal with

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : would they hyphenate? They could just go with a mashup name

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : Broflovskarsh

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : LMAOOOO “marshlovski” is so obvious and so much better but no your backwards ass went with Broflovskarsh

 

 **scantron** : FUCK you ALL

 

 **smokin snack** : especially kyle right?

 

 **scantron** : I SWEAR TO GOD

 

 **sleek streak** : kyle give your man a bj he needs to chill out

 

 **brofalafel** : I MG O N N AK I L L

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : uh oh, looks like they’re gonna have to 69 it

 

 **scantron** : all of you are blocked and reported unbefuckinglievable

 

 **smokin snack** : tweek are you speaking from experience

 **smokin snack** : is that how you get craig to chill

 

 **slyde to the left** : omg I can answer for him on this one. The answer is yes

 

 **sleek streak** : Clyde you disgusting traitor

 

 **smokin snack** : omfg Clyde elaborate

 

 **airsick shartman** : omg I came here to yell at you all for spamming but I open up to the best conversation we’ve had

 

 **scantron** : true

 

 **slyde to the left** : let me tell you the tale of how I learned to knock before entering people’s bedrooms

 

 **Legg succ** : Clyde

 **Legg succ** : are you sure this is what you want to do

 **Legg succ** : because I don’t think you want this to turn into a tell-all

 

 **slyde to the left** : um one time I walked in without knocking and craig was studying and I realized it was rude to do that and I never did it again thats all

 

 **Legg succ** : good choice

 

 **brofalafel** : DAMN IT DUDE

 

 **smokin snack** : that was the juiciest tidbit ever and you swung it in front of our faces and then yanked it away

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : ummmm

 

 **smokin snack** : yeah ok I could’ve chosen better phrasing

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : But at the same time… you couldn’t have chosen better phrasing

 

 **sleek streak** : I haaaate this

 

 **scantron** : this is simultaneously so nasty and so hilarious

 

 **Buttery sock** : like Kenny

 

 **brofalafel** : WHOA

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : omg butters

 

 **slyde to the left** : WOW that was unexpected

 **slyde to the left** : but true

 

 **scantron** : Does Butters Stotch is gay???

 

 **airsick shartman** : ^ yeah for real tho Kenny and butters got some kinda thing going or something?

 

 **Buttery sock** : no! gee guys I just know Kenny! It’s not that crazy a thing to say about him

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : yeah exactly

 **zenith mcdoordick** : but low key I’m just gonna note here that I am not shutting the idea down

 

 **airsick shartman** : jfc mcwhoremick

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : fuck yourself

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : this is wild

 

 **brofalafel** : true I’m a little lost but still having fun

 

 **smokin snack** : ay y’all wanna come to clyde’s we chillin

 

 **brofalafel** : Stan and I’ll be there in a sec

 

 **Buttery sock** : Sorry fellas I’m grounded

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : aww Butters. I’m actually 30 seconds from your house tho Clyde so I’m coming

 

 **slyde to the left** : this wasn’t actually ok’d by me token just invited everyone to my house while I was getting snacks

 

 **smokin snack** : I mean it’s kinda my home too basically

 

 **scantron** : Aww. The Donovan-Black household shares everything with each other

 

 **smokin snack** : shut the fuck up marshlovski

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : I can’t we’re going to pick up aforementioned family

 

 **airsick shartman** : neither can I I’m in Lakewood rn

 

 **Legg succ** : Tweek and I will be over in a minute

 

 **sleek streak** : for the record Craig wanted to bail I’m the good friend here

 

 **Legg succ** : betrayed by my own boyfriend

 

 **smokin snack** : I think I know what Craig wanted to do instead

 

 **sleek streak** : ;)

 

 **brofalafel** : duuude

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : it throws me off every time you make those jokes dude who knew you’d become such a perv

 

 **Legg succ** : actually he’s always been a perv

 

 **sleek streak** : it’s true it’s just that before I got off meth and got ahold of some anxiety meds I was more preoccupied with like death and aliens and whatever

 **sleek streak** : but underneath the freakouts was always a dick joke

 **sleek streak** : just waiting to ~pop up~

 

 **slyde to the left** : oh my god

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : slow clap

 

..

 

Kenny was lounging on Clyde’s bed, while Clyde (sprawled on his back) and Tweek (sitting crosslegged) were on the carpet. Stan was seated at Clyde’s desk chair, with Kyle sitting neatly at his best friend’s feet (“Wow, pet play, do you think? What an obedient boy,” Clyde had whispered to Token, their snickering drawing a suspicious side eye from Kyle). All were listening to Token, who was recounting a bizarre story about a creepy little sleepwalking girl at the summer camp he’d worked at in July from his position against the bed. Craig was less attentively raiding the tray of snacks Clyde had brought up.

 

Craig interrupted Token’s story with his brow furrowed. “Clyde, did you take the last applesauce?”

 

Clyde raised his head. “Oh, yeah. You’ve had like three, dude, were you going to have another one?”

 

“Yes, I fucking love applesauce.”

 

Clyde grinned and held up the half-empty cup of applesauce in his hand. “It’s Mott’s too, that’s your favorite.”

 

Craig narrowed his eyes. “You did it on _purpose_. You _asshat_.” He grabbed a bag of chips from the tray and lobbed it at Clyde’s chest. Clyde squawked indignantly. “What, you knave! How durst thou?” Without thinking it through, he chucked his cup of applesauce back at his friend, eyes going wide in realization as the sauce splattered all over Craig’s shirt.

 

There was a split stunned second of silence. It was broken by a throaty guffaw from Token, which set the rest of them off.

 

“Dude, Clyde, you’re such a moron,” Kenny wheezed. Clyde nodded, giggling sheepishly. “I’m not even going to argue with that, man.”

 

Craig cringed as he felt the slimy sauce soak through his shirt. “Let me borrow a shirt, this one’s nasty and slimy now.”

 

Clyde hopped up and opened his dresser drawer, pulling out a t-shirt at random to give to Craig, who stripped off the applesauce-covered one.

 

Stan grinned. “Ooh, saucy.”

 

Kyle turned around and smacked Stan’s leg. “You fucking take that pun back immediately. Disgusting garbage boy. Unbelievable.” Stan beamed delightedly.

 

“OH MY GOD!”

 

The whole room jumped and turned to stare at Clyde, who had shrieked extremely loudly out of nowhere and was looking at Craig with his jaw nearly unhinged.

 

Token spoke first. “Dude, what? Jesus fuck, man —“

 

“Craig. Has. _Scratch marks_. On his _back_.”

 

“WHAT? Let me see!” Token jumped up to gawk at Craig’s back. Clyde whipped around. “Tweek! You DOG!”

 

Tweek had gone scarlet and was curled up on the floor, face in his hands.

 

Craig, red-faced, snatched the shirt form Clyde’s hands and pulled it on hastily. “Fuck off!”

 

Kenny made a loud sobbing sound as he careened into a laughing fit, and Token collapsed against a wall, shoulders shaking. Clyde had fallen to the floor and was shrieking with laughter. Kyle and Stan were both in hysterics, Stan hunched over his own lap, gasping for air, and Kyle clutching Stan’s leg and screaming into his knee.

 

“I wanna see!” Kyle pulled himself together enough to wheeze.

 

“No, fuck you,” Craig snapped, retrieving his chullo from the desk and tugging it on and over his face.

 

“Well, Clyde, I guess that settles that question,” Token managed.

 

“Shit man, you were right,” Clyde said, his voice rising in pitch with every word and culminating in a renewed laughing fit.

 

Kenny sat up, wiping tears from his cheeks. “No, you guys, it could be a switch thing.”

 

“Tweek, do you usually bottom?” Kyle directed his attention to Tweek, who had emerged from his limb cocoon.

 

A pause. Craig and Tweek glanced at each other, then Tweek sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “…Yes.”

 

“Called it!” Token yelled. Craig huffed. “Shut the fuck up.” And laughter (although less hysterical this time) erupted again.

 

“But damn, though,” Kyle said as their laughter faded into grins and chuckles. “Clearly you guys don’t play, that right there is evidence of top shelf shenanigans.” He broke into giggles again.

 

Kenny sucked in air through his teeth dramatically.“Shit. Kyle just subtweeted Stan’s ass into outer space.” Clyde tried to cover his bark of laughter behind his hand and failed miserably. Kyle swiveled around to face Kenny, pulling himself away from Stan’s leg with a small blush. “Okay wow Kenny, fuck you directly in the ass.”

 

Kenny’s grin was so wide it looked like it would split his face.

 

“I’m down, but can Craig do it, because clearly he knows how to do it right.”

 

Craig groaned and buried his head in his hands and Tweek made a strangled sound into his boyfriend’s shoulder as the rest of the boys devolved back into wild laughter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STYLE

**Those Guys**

10 people in chat: Token Black, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Clyde Donovan, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, Jimmy Valmer

 

 **scantron** : y’all are not even going to beLIEVE what just occurred

 

 **Legg succ** : you guys don’t do this

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : sorry legg succ this is the price of being a sex god

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : what the fuck

 

 **airsick shartman** : ok that’s new I’m listening

 

 **Buttery sock** : what happened??

 

 **slyde to the left** : we found BIG ASS SCRATCH MARKS on craigs back

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : DUDE

 

 **airsick shartman** : NAHHHHH

 

 **scantron** : YEAH

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : TWEEEEK WHAT

 

 **Buttery sock** : what does that mean?

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : Butters you angel. Sometimes during sex in the throes of pleasure a partner might rake his/her fingernails across their partner’s skin, leaving scratch marks. What it means is that craig is really good at making tweek cum

 

 **Buttery sock** : ohh. Wow!

 **Buttery sock** : thanks ken

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : anytime

 

 **airsick shartman** : ewwww Kenny you fag

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : ordinarily I’d tell you two to get a room but I’m a little distracted this time what the FUCKKK how did I miss out on that

 

 **slyde to the left** : they were SO EMBARRASSED

 

 **smokin snack** : it was so funny

 **smokin snack** : craig did the thing where he hides in his hat and tweek just curled up on the floor

 

 **airsick shartman** : oh my godddddd

 

 **What up its ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : LMAOOOO

 

 **smokin snack** : yeah so apparently Craig’s quite the lover

 

 **slyde to the left** : a beast in the sack

 

 **smokin snack** : veritable sex god

 

 **zenith mcdoordick** : and let’s not neglect the fact that tweeks a scratcher

 

 **smokin snack** : yeah! A little pain with your pleasure. Kinky

 

 **slyde to the left** : he’s got claws

 

 **sleek streak** : STOOOoOOoooOOOpPPPpPp

 

 **What up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis** : this is amazing

 

 

..

 

**The Fellowship of the String**

Private chat for Kyle Broflovski, Tweek Tweak

 

 **Kyle** : hey um

 **Kyle** : can I ask you kind of a dumb weird question

 

 **Tweek** : yup

 

 **Kyle** : it’s also super personal

 

 **Tweek** : lol go for it

 

 **Kyle** : so like I googled it and it seems true but like

 **Kyle** : you’re a real person that I know and I kind of just need personal confirmation in a private honest setting here

 

 **Tweek** : ok whats the deal

 

 **Kyle** : bottoming

 **Kyle** : it’s fine and normal and not gross and weird

 **Kyle** : like to want it

 **Kyle** : and like you as a real person are happy and content with it

 

 **Tweek** : HELL yes

 **Tweek** : listen dude theres nothing weird or wrong about it and if it’s something you like it can be a next-level experience

 **Tweek** : it is for me

 

 **Kyle** : ok. Thank you lmao. sorry it’s a weird question

 

 **Tweek** : no man it’s fine

 **Tweek** : whyd you ask

 **Tweek** : I mean you obviously don’t have to tell me lol

 

 **Kyle** : um yeah haha I can

 **Kyle** : I do have to swear you to secrecy tho, ok?

 

 **Tweek** : consider me sworn. It wont leave these lips

 

 **Kyle** : ok thanks

 **Kyle** : I’ve been a little freaked out by the direction my recent fantasies (and one wet dream) have been going

 **Kyle** : I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, like if I was gonna be ok with what my brain apparently wanted

 **Kyle** : which obviously was yknow taking dick

 **Kyle** : ummm specifically Stan’s

 

 **Tweek** : OH

 **Tweek** : oh damn

 

 **Kyle** : mmmhm

 

 **Tweek** : yeah jeez. no worries dude I won’t talk

 **Tweek** : but like feel free to talk to me about it

 **Tweek** : like I imagine you haven’t told many people so lmk if you need to spill

 

 **Kyle** : you’re actually the first person I’ve said anything about it to

 **Kyle** : so I actually really appreciate that

 

 **Tweek** : oh! Well in that case please talk to me about it because you definitely need at least one person to be able to talk about this with

 **Tweek** : I’m available for rants, vents, unloadings, confessions, fears, advice, and bar mitzvahs

 

 **Kyle** : hahaha thank you Tweek. I honestly appreciate it so much

 

 **Tweek** : yeah dude of course. I mean your super best friend isn’t exactly an option this time

 

 **Kyle** : oh god no

 **Kyle** : also thats such a gay term

 

 **Tweek** : I mean appropriate tho

 

 **Kyle** : ….ok fair

 

 **Tweek** : are you free rn? I’ve got time off and if you wanna talk in person I can come over

 

 **Kyle** : that would actually be great if you’re sure

 

 **Tweek** : yay ill be there in a sec

 

 

..

 

 

“So have you ever switched it up at all?” Kyle asked, looking at Tweek from behind his phone screen. Tweek met his eyes. “Hmm? Oh! Me and Craig? Yeah for sure, we tried, we just always end up going back to me bottoming. It just works better.”

 

“Can I ask why?” Kyle ventured carefully, face tinted pink.

 

Tweek quirked his eyebrow. “How much information are you comfortable with?” Kyle tittered nervously. “As much as you’re ok to tell, I guess.”

 

Tweek leaned forward to rest his elbows on his crossed legs. “Ok. Well, there’s a couple things. One, Craig is the most altruistic lover ever. Like, he basically gets off on me getting off. Not literally, obviously, I mean, action is still required, but you know what I’m saying?”

 

Kyle blushed in earnest. “Um, yeah, I guess. Really? That’s kind of… sweet, actually.”

 

“I know, right? So secondly, I’m, like, really responsive in that position I guess? Like, I get a whole new level of pleasure from it. It’s transcendental. Craig for sure can enjoy it that way, but it isn’t as mindboggling to him. And it’s not because I’m just a bad top, rest assured. He’s just not as well-suited for it,” Tweek shot Kyle a cheeky wink. “So, since I get way more pleasure out of bottoming and he gets more pleasure out of me getting more pleasure, this is the setup that works.”

 

Kyle processed this for a second. “And it’s like… actually, really, pleasurable? Like you can… satisfy yourself?” He grimaced at his own verbal stumbling.

 

Tweek smiled at him. “Yeah. It’s really great. One time…” Tweek lowered his voice, his cheeks reddening but a faint smile spreading across his face. “I came just on Craig’s fingers. Like, without even touching myself. It was _wild_.”

 

Kyle swallowed hard. “Oh,” he managed.

 

Tweek nodded, leaning back. “So, like, if this is something you’re attracted to, there’s no reason to feel weird about it.”

 

Kyle shifted subtly, trying to push the information about Craig’s fingers and all of the fantasies and ideas it had inspired to the back of his brain. “I really appreciate it. It was kind of stressing me out, and it was too much to pile on top of the whole issue with Stan.”

 

Tweek winced sympathetically. “Ooh. Yeah. No, that part is rocky. I have no answers for that, unfortunately.” He hesitated for a moment. “Um… the thing with Stan, is it just a sexual attraction? Or do you, you know, like him?”

 

Kyle shut his eyes and groaned, letting his head drop to his chest. “Ugh, I totally like him. That’s what makes it suck so much. If it was just a sexual thing then I could just be weirded out and embarrassed, I wouldn’t have such a crisis on my hands.”

 

“Oh. Do you think there’s any chance he could reciprocate?”

 

“Ha! No way, man. I’m pretty sure he’s straight, and even if he weren’t, I’m pretty confident I’m off the table.”

 

 

 

..

 

 

**What's the deal with airline food?**

Private chat for: Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick

 

 **Stan** : dude im so fucked

 

 **Kenny** : what

 

 **Stan** : kyle

 

 **Kenny** : lmao what happened

 

 **Stan** : ike posted a pic of him on facebook and he’s so fuckin cute dude

 **Stan** : why is he so fuckin amazing jfc

 

 **Kenny** : omfg

 **Kenny** : you lovesick fool

 

 **Stan** : I know ugh

 

 **Kenny** : you’ve gotta tell him

 

 **Stan** : are you trying to sabotage our friendship? is that your endgame

 **Stan** : thats the only reason I can think of that you could have for encouraging that

 **Stan** : he. would. bail. so. quick. You must understand this

 

 **Kenny** : why do you say that

 

 **Stan** : are you dumb

 

 **Kenny** : no

 **Kenny** : you are

 **Kenny** : thats the issue

 

 **Stan** : ugh im like 90% sure he’s straight dude

 

 **Kenny** : wait seriously

 **Kenny** : my gaydar has been going haywire around him recently

 **Kenny** : haha more like gaywire

 **Kenny** : but I assumed he would have come out to you

 

 **Stan** : no dude I don’t think he likes guys

 

 **Kenny** : I’m like 99% sure thats not true man

 **Kenny** : he’s gotta be at least bi

 **Kenny** : speaking of which what are you

 

 **Stan** : shit man idk

 **Stan** : I can’t figure it out conclusively I’m too preoccupied with kyle

 **Stan** : Like I’m not attracted to anyone other than kyle right now

 

 **Kenny** : awwwwwww!

 **Kenny** : like I wish you luck on your journey of self-discovery but thats cute af

 

 **Stan** : yeah whatever you fuckin gaywad

 

 **Kenny** : you’re calling ME a gaywad right now

 

 **Stan** : shut the fuck up

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

Listen, looking through the photo albums on his best friend’s little brother’s Facebook is well within Stan’s rights. It’s a normal thing to do, it isn’t creepy, just nostalgic and maybe appreciative. He isn’t even being that weird by clicking through every single album to find pictures of Kyle. They’ve been extremely close since forever, he’s allowed to think about and care about his best friend.

 

Zooming in on Kyle in every picture in order to better appreciate his face and body is a little harder to rationalize.

 

Stan is painfully aware that his behavior is not super normal, but he can’t stop looking at Kyle. Fuck, he’s so pretty. He zooms in on a picture of Kyle sitting at a table, looking up from his phone to quirk his lips at the camera with one eyebrow raised. His face is so lovely. Like, his eyes are so big and bright, and his nose is so elegant looking. And you can’t see them as well in the picture, but Stan knows that his eyelashes are so long and delicate and they make Stan think of butterfly wings because apparently he is the King of Corny and no one told him. And his chin tapers in this really cute way that kind of, like, complements his face. And his hair is so thick and curly still even though now he has it cut and styled into a more controllable, and unbearably attractive, shape, and Stan just wants to bury his fingers in it and pull, hard, and see what kinds of sounds he makes when--

 

Nope, stop. Jesus Christ. He's so fucked.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo so first of all, shoutout to all of you folks reading this, and those of y'all who are commenting, kudos-ing, and bookmarking! God bless you, it's so much more fun when you know other people are laughing with you and you're not just shouting dick jokes into the void

**Those Guys**

10 people in chat: Token Black, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Clyde Donovan, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, Jimmy Valmer

 

_**Hey what up it's ya boy uhhh skinny penis**  has changed their name to  **shimmy**_

**  
**

**shimmy:** it was time to end the era of being named a vine

**  
**

**scantron** : I can't even be mad about that tbh

 

 **zenith mcdoordick:**  wait we're allowed to change our names

 

 **scantron:**  yeah dude! Is that why no ones changed their names I just figured everyone was being lazy lmao

 

_**zenith mcdoordick** changed their name to  **kenny and the jets**_

**  
**

_**scantron** changed their name to  **stan from state farm**_

**  
**

**smokin snack:** I like my name but I wanna join

 

_**smokin snack**  changed their name to  **chuck e cheese  
**_

_**  
** _

**chuck e cheese:** because of the tokens get it im hilarious

 

 **slyde to the left:**  lmao true

 **slyde to the left** : I'm keeping mine it's too close to my heart at this point

 

 **brofalafel:** same here ive become attached

 

_**kenny and the jets** changed **Buttery sock** 's name to **angel**_

 

_**airsick shartman** changed their name to  **youre all fags**_

 

_**stan from state farm** changed  **youre all fags** 's name to  **bitch**_

 

_**Legg succ** changed their name to **Craig**_

  

 **chuck e cheese:** aw lame cmon Craig do something flamboyant and exciting

  
****

_**sleek streak** changed  **Craig'** s name to **craiggy lee**_

__

**sleek streak:** I'm taking executive action to combat lameness

 

_**sleek streak** changed their name to **coughy**_

 

 **coughy:** it's the inevitableh i l a r i o u sjoke about me and coffee

 **coughy:** ~weak noisemaker sound~

  
****

**chuck e cheese:** y'all we're wild af

 

 **shimmy** : Ok so topic shift I’ve met my cousins. The dude ben is an asshole but I think Alicia’s nice? She’s been just polite the whole time so idk for sure

 **shimmy** : y’all will meet her at lunch tho ok? So be nice

 **shimmy** : unless she starts being a dick

 

 **chuck e cheese** : noted

 

 **bitch** : I’m not going to be nice unless she’s hot or useful

 

 **kenny and the jets** : No one expected any less dickface

 

 **slyde to the left** : guys garrison is going to take my phone stop texting me

 

 **chuck e cheese** : put it on do not disturb dumbass

 

 **slyde to the left** : ...fuck you

 

 **craiggy lee** : you wish he would Clyde

 

 **stan from state farm** : lmaooo high key

 

 **slyde to the left** : hahaha go suck a dick

 

 **craiggy lee** : aight

 

 **slyde to the left** : CRAIG

 

 

..

 

 

Stan set down his lunch tray and slid into a seat beside Red, nodding to the rest of the kids at the table. None of his close group were there yet, so he settled into his sandwich and scanned the cafeteria entrance.

 

Most of the kids from South Park ate lunch together at the same table. Initially, they’d all tried to split off, join new friend groups, get away from the insanity that was their childhood, but the shared experience of surviving in South Park is a deep connector that no one else at Park County High could really relate to or understand fully, and they all ended up sort of drifting back together. Of course each of them had new friends, but it was nice to have a zone in which everyone already knew about whatever new insane bullshit was going on at home.

 

Stan was too focused on his food to notice Kyle approaching, and startled when his best friend plopped heavily into his customary seat across from Stan with a sigh. “Do you ever just want to kick Garrison in the nuts?” Stan laughed. “Yeah, every day since third grade.” Fuck, Kyle was so pretty. Why did he have such a long, delicate neck? How fucked up was it that Stan wanted desperately to run his tongue up the length of it, nip at it to mark up the flawless skin, see what kinds of sounds and responses he could elicit from Kyle?

 

Kyle waved his hand in front of Stan’s face. “Hey! Earth to Stan! You good, dude?” Stan’s eyes shot back up to his friend’s face and he turned pink. “Sorry, man, I kinda zoned out for a second there.” Yeah, I zoned out thinking about sucking on your neck, because I’m super gay for you even though you’re my best friend and not into me or probably even guys. Fuuuuck.

 

Jimmy appeared across the room, breaking into Stan’s self-admonishment, moving toward their table on his braces, accompanied by a pretty blonde haired girl Stan presumed was Alicia. Stan and Kyle both smiled at the newcomers as they approached the table.

 

“Fellas, this is. Al...licia, my c-cousin. Her brother Ben is sk...skulking in the corner over there b-b-being an a...asshole, so she's the only one j-joining us today. Alicia, this is St…St-Stan, and that’s Kyle, they’re my g-good f…friends,” Jimmy introduced, lowering himself into his usual seat next to Kyle.

 

Alicia smiled at the boys, her face pleasant. “Nice to meet you guys!”

 

“Likewise,” Kyle responded. “Dude, I’m so sorry you have to come to school during your family vacation. That is brutal.” Alicia grimaced and agreed with a laugh.

 

They settled into friendly chatter as more of their friends trickled into the lunchroom. As per Jimmy’s initial report, Alicia was polite and pleasant, but it was difficult to pin down anything more than that about her. She did make good conversation, though, and the atmosphere was relaxed as they all talked.

 

“Where the fuck is Craig?” Token asked about halfway through the lunch period. Everyone in their regular group except for Craig had made it to the table, and while it wasn’t unusual for Craig to be less than punctual he was generally never this late. Tweek swallowed the bite of apple in his mouth. “He mentioned going to talk to a teacher about something. I don’t know why it’s taking him so long.”

 

“Wait, Craig? You guys are friends with Craig? Like, the tall dark handsome one with the blue hat?” Alicia broke in excitedly. The boys all looked at her in surprise. “Uh, yeah, I guess. Why?” Clyde inquired. The visiting girl huffed out a breath, eyes alight. “Because he is insanely attractive and I’ve been trying to figure out if he’s single all day long!” She waved one hand around as she spoke, clearly excited to have a reliable source of Craig-related intel. “So, is he taken?”

 

Everyone at the table glanced at Tweek, who straightened in his seat and raised an eyebrow as he responded.

 

“Very.”

 

Token glanced away to hide his smile and Stan stifled a laugh with only moderate success. Alicia, seemingly unaware of the mood shift that had arisen, looked disappointed. “Shit. By who? I’ve been watching him interact with different girls all day, and he hasn’t acted, you know, couple-y with any of them. Does she even go here?”

 

Clyde coughed loudly and Kenny was grinning into his macaroni. Kyle’s voice contained suppressed laughter as he answered, “I, um, I think you’ll see.”

 

With impeccable timing, in walked the chullo child himself at that very moment, sauntering toward the table with long, easy strides. Everyone at the lunch table turned to watch him approach, and Stan noticed Alicia readjusting her hair, her gaze taking on an interested glint as the rest of them waited gleefully for what was about to unfold. Tweek was smirking hard.

 

Craig slid into the empty seat beside Tweek, leaning in to give him a quick kiss and slipping an arm around his shoulders. No one at the table was hiding their grin anymore as they watched Alicia’s jaw drop. Tweek flicked his gaze over to her, almost preening, looking like a self-satisfied cat, and he pressed himself against Craig and tugged on his leg possessively, visibly laying claim. Craig looked mildly confused at the unusual display but rolled with it, placing another kiss on the top of Tweek’s head and covering his hand with his own.

 

Jimmy spoke up. “Yeah, so… t-taken.” Kenny let out a splutter of giggles, triggering a wave of mirth to burst forth from all corners of the table. Craig raised his eyebrows at Clyde, who just shook his head. He’d fill him in later.

 

Alicia’s jaw audibly clicked shut and she adopted a very forced smile. “Yeah. Got it.” Token frowned at the tension in her voice, and Jimmy shot her a sideeye.

 

Tweek noticed her reaction too, and he responded by reaching up to pull Craig’s face to his own and give him a firmer kiss before pressing himself impossibly closer to Craig until he was practically on his lap.

 

Craig was at this point mystified, but he loves his boyfriend so he just slipped his arms around him and let him stake his claim.

 

 

...

 

 

**Those Guys**

10 people in chat: Token Black, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Clyde Donovan, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, Jimmy Valmer

 

 **chuck e cheese** : yo not to be shady but was I the only one getting weird vibes from Alicia today

 

 **shimmy** : nope she was definitely off

 

 **chuck e cheese** : and did it seem like it was in response to craig and tweek?

 

 **coughy** : yep that's the impression I got

 

 **chuck e cheese** : so was she just being disappointed because craig is taken? Bc it seemed like that was not her only issue

 

 **kenny and the jets** : she prolly isn't a fan of the homosexual agenda

 **kenny and the jets** : that was the vibe I got

 

 **coughy** : ^^^^

 

 **shimmy** : yeah thats what it looks like I think her whole fam is gross like that

 **shimmy** : I just heard my uncle telling my mom that their neighborhood in Ohio has been "taken over by all kinds of degenerates" and his new next door neighbor is too poor for the area and there's a "pair of homosexuals only a couple blocks away" which bugs him bc he has young children

 **shimmy** : my family is trying to be polite but this is gonna get messy af lmao

 

 **coughy** : want us to come to your house and make out on your couch

 

 **chuck e cheese** : lmaoo omg

 

 **kenny and the jets** : dude wait I know that was a joke but

 **kenny and the jets** : imagine how fuckin hilarious that would be

 

 **slyde to the left** : bruhhh

 

 **craiggy lee** : I'd be down tbfh I love making disapproving assholes uncomfortable

 

 **stan from state farm** : LMAO we could all come over and it could be like just a hangout thing, real chill, that way we could all be really explicitly cool and unoffended about it and she'd have to stew alone in her threatened heterosexual outrage

 

 **shimmy** : DEAD OMFG

 **shimmy** : guys how do you feel about this do y'all actually want to? Because I am high key into it

 **shimmy** : y'all don't even know this would be fucking hilarious

 

 **kenny and the jets** : I can't tell you how down for this I am

 

 **coughy** : lmao we're ready to perform

 

 **craiggy lee** : yep

 

 **stan from state farm** : im in

 

 **brofalafel** : same

 

 **chuck e cheese** : me too bro

 

 **slyde to the left** : I love it

 

 **bitch** : I'm putting you shitbags on permanent mute y'all blowing up my phone 24/7. Irrelevant ass i dont even hang out w you fuckers. why am i even in this fucking chat

 

 **craiggy lee** : just leave the chat fuckwad

 

 **bitch** : I knew that Craig fuck you

 

_**bitch**  left the chat_

 

 **brofalafel** : did he literally actually just leave the chat???

 

 **stan from state farm** : oh my god this chat just got 300% less disgusting

 

 **kenny and the jets** : this day keeps getting better and better

 

 

...

 

 

The supporters of Operation: Irristraight (Kenny's pun) expanded as the plan was shared amid the South Park circle. Several of the girls who were better friends with Jimmy's group joined the effort, committing to attend the hangout and contribute to the delightfully shady display of tolerance.

 

(Yes, despite the sausage party that was their main group chat, they were still friends with the girls! It was just that growing up in such a strange, unpredictable town and experiencing so much chaos at an age when kids are super segregated by sex made it so the camaraderie born of going through mad shit all the time was formed primarily within the groups they spent the most time with as kids -- usually those of their gender.)

 

The total count came to 14: Token, Clyde, Craig and Tweek of course, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Butters, Wendy, Annie, Nicole, Red, and obviously Jimmy and Alicia. The day of the big event, the Valmer household's living room was packed with teenagers.

 

The kids were all chatting and laughing, clustered around the Game of Life board game, which Jimmy had brought out despite there being too many of them to all play at once solely so that Craig and Tweek could put two blue figures in their car when they landed on the Get Married space. Token, Clyde, Kyle, Nicole, Butters, Wendy, and Annie had all volunteered to sit and spectate, and Craig and Tweek played as a team. Everyone in the room had surreptitiously looked to Alicia upon the couple's "marriage", who had reacted satisfactorily with a frown that she struggled to conceal.

 

The atmosphere wasn't uncomfortable, despite the limited number of actual participants in the board game. The game ran as a secondary activity, with mostly idle chatter dominating the group with interspersed commentaries and announcements regarding the progress of the game. They strategically mixed a number of gay-related jokes, stories, and comments with enough unrelated material so as to glean sufficiently amusing reactions from the resident homophobe without appearing suspicious and alerting her to their ulterior mission.

 

"Hey, Butters," Kenny called when he himself landed on the Marriage square. "Let's get married and play as a team!" Butters turned red and widened his eyes before murmuring a shy, "Oh! Ok, Ken," and crawling over to sit next to the boy. Alicia's face had darkened and they'd all bitten back delighted grins.

 

By the time only Jimmy and the Kenny/Butters team were still working their way through the board towards retirement, Craig and Tweek had migrated onto the couch and were subtly but visibly getting handsier and handsier, until by the time Alicia glanced up and saw them, Craig was on his back with Tweek straddling his hips, mouths joined and hands roaming. Everyone pretended not to see as she turned red in embarrassment and indignation and looked sharply around the circle to gauge whether the rest of the group had seen the couple's scandalous behavior.

 

Alicia slid over as casually as she could to sit by Stan, leaning toward him and speaking in a low voice as she gestured toward the intertwined duo on the couch. "Hey, is that normal? Do they usually do stuff like that?" Stan glanced at the couch, then back at Alicia with an entirely deliberate look of mild confusion. "Yeah, sure. They're together, man, that's what they're gonna do."

 

Alicia looked frustrated. "It doesn't make you, you know, uncomfortable or anything?" Stan laughed. "Nah, nobody's bugged about a little PDA. Totally natural." The girl gave a tiny hum in response, looking stormy and clearly trying not to. As she turned away, Stan met Kyle's eyes across the board. Both of their mouths twitched as they struggled to remain casual and not endanger the integrity of the mission.

 

It was only a few minutes before Alicia was sidling up to her cousin and muttering to him. "You know, you can tell them to save it for when they aren't on your couch. It's ok to do that. You shouldn't be uncomfortable in your own home, and they don't need to... to display their habits here." Jimmy almost laughed at the weak attempt to cast Jimmy as the uncomfortable one and Alicia as simply the sympathetic and encouraging cousin, but he kept it together enough to give her an answer he knew would enrage her.

 

"What? Oh, I'm not unco... uncomfortable with that. C-common occurrence. L-last w-week Wendy and her b-b-boy... friend from North P-Park almost f-fuh... fucked against Clyde's sitting r-room w-w-wall. Everyone's really u-used to puh... p-public displays of affection." Jimmy relished in the look of frustration and indignant outrage his cousin tried to mask as she heard him compare Craig and Tweek to a straight couple, with heavy implications that he, and all the South Park kids, considered gay and straight couples to be exactly the same. Token had to fake a coughing fit to cover up the loud snort he accidentally let out.

 

"Well, that isn't... I mean," Alicia trailed off and resorted to staring helplessly into Jimmy's face like she was trying to telepathically make him understand her point. Jimmy looked back to the game and spun the wheel.

 

"Damn, Tweek, get some!" Clyde suddenly called out, drawing attention back to the couple on the couch, who had gotten pretty hot and heavy since last we checked in. The top four buttons of Tweek's shirt were undone and, somehow even more noteworthy, Craig's hat was on the floor and his hair was mussed from Tweek's fingers gripping it.

 

Kyle tried really hard not to glance at Stan, failed miserably, then felt blood surge in his face and mentally slapped himself with a ruler.

 

Meanwhile, Stan didn't even get the chance to warn himself not to before his brain supplied the image of him on the sofa with Kyle on top of him. He dropped his gaze to his hands as he willed away the furious blush that immediately appeared. Kenny noticed and patted his knee sympathetically while choking on laughter.

 

Tweek looked over at the group and smirked breathlessly as Craig continued to suck marks down the length of his throat. "Aye-aye captain. Oh, fuck." He gasped as Craig latched onto his pulse point.

 

"Y'all are wild," Clyde snickered, shaking his head.

 

"I mean, they're g-g-goals though, ri...right?" Jimmy added casually as he decided to retire to Millionaire Estates.

 

Alicia stood up abruptly. The whole room's focus turned to her, eager for the climax they sensed on the horizon. "I'm going to go upstairs. I'm very tired." She spoke stiffly and refused to make eye contact with any of them, instead staring coldly at the wall, above the others' heads. The girl turned on her heel and marched upstairs.

 

Craig let out a startling howl of laughter, and the delightful tension was broken. Clyde leaned forward, excited out of his mind. "That was fucking PERFECT! That was so much better than I dared to hope."

 

Jimmy had actual tears rolling down his face as he wheezed. "What a l-l-l-lunatic. I d-didn't think she'd get that puh...pissed!"

 

"Operation: Irristraight is an overwhelming success."

 

 

..

 

 

**Those Guys**

10 people in chat: Token Black, Kyle Broflovski, Clyde Donovan, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, Jimmy Valmer

 

 **shimmy** : GUYS

 

 **brofalafel** : what

 

 **shimmy** : THEY FUCKIN LEFT

 

 **craiggy lee** : whaaat

 

 **shimmy** : DEADASS THE WHOLE FAMILY PACKED UP AND WENT BACK TO OHIO

 

 **coughy** : deets immediately

 

 **shimmy** : apparently Alicia told her family about the whole thing with tweek n Craig so this morning they confronted us and our 2 families got into a screaming match and it's kind of a blur but then they left and I think ben was crying with rage

 

 **stan from state farm** : BRUHHHH

 **stan from state farm** : thats AMAZING

 

 **kenny and the jets** : im so satisfied right now holy shit

 **kenny and the jets** : I'm so proud of us

 **kenny and the jets** : I'm so proud of tweek and craig

 **kenny and the jets** : you guys got hot af

 

 **slyde to the left** : thats true lmao y'all did not hold back

 

 **coughy** : would we ever

 **coughy** : lmao honestly its not like it was hard

 

 **craiggy lee** : well

 

 **coughy** : *difficult

 

 **craiggy lee** : yeah thats true

 

 **chuck e cheese** : dudes please

 **chuck e cheese** : for the love of god and for the sake of my sanity

 

 **slyde to the left** : bitch what sanity

 

 **stan from state farm** : rekt by your own boyfriend

 

 **kenny and the jets** : wait did you two finally confess and get official

 

 **chuck e cheese** : bitch what

 

 **slyde to the left** : boi if you dont

 

 **brofalafel** : gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MESS
> 
> the cousins are no longer relevant, they're leaving forever, I made them up solely so I could make one chapter's worth of jokes
> 
> kudos and comments fuel my praise kink ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update!! And it's even gayer

**S U C C**

Private chat for: Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick

 

 

**kenneth** : wya dude

 

**kyley-b** : mandatory study session

 

**kenneth** : during lunch? Cruel

 

**kyley-b** : right? boutta kms

 

**kenneth** : yo kyle can I ask you a question

 

**kyley-b** : out with it

 

**kenneth** : do you like boys??

**kenneth** : Kyle?

**kenneth** : oh just to clarify I'm not hitting on you

**kenneth** : no offense

**kenneth** : I'm just wondering

 

**kyley-b** : yes

 

**kenneth** : you do?? I knew it

 

**kyley-b** : um? offended

 

**kenneth** : listen my gaydar has rarely failed me

**kenneth** : are you gay? Or like bi or

 

**kyley-b** : I'm like 98% sure I'm gay yeah

 

**kenneth** : nice bro I'm glad for you

**kenneth** : do you like any specific boys right now

 

**kyley-b** : why are you asking these things

**kyley-b** : Kenny what are you dancing around

 

**kenneth** : a pole tbfh

 

**kyley-b** : fuck off

 

**kenneth** : ok ok imma come clean I'm asking on behalf of a boy that really likes you

 

**kyley-b** : really? who

 

**kenneth** : can't disclose that information

**kenneth** : definitely not before you answer me at least

 

**kyley-b** : yes I do like a specific boy right now

 

**kenneth** : dude please tell me this is imperative

 

**kyley-b** : why??

 

**kenneth** : for the sake of my friend and for you

**kenneth** : and this entire town tbh

 

**kyley-b** : wow

**kyley-b** : ugh ok if I tell you you have to keep it quiet because I can NOT have this exposed

**kyley-b** : do you copy mccormick? I will rip your entire dick off your pelvis and feed it to Sparky

 

**kenneth** : jesus christ kyle

**kenneth** : yeah I'm not gonna spill promise

**kenneth** : wasn't going to before but damn

 

**kyley-b** : ok

**kyley-b** : ok it's Stan but I need you to not even react because I'm trying to make it go away before it makes things weird

 

**kenneth** : DUDE.

 

**kyley-b** : yes really yeah I know

 

**kenneth** : NO U DONT GET IT. D U D E

**kenneth** : jfc listen I promised him I wouldn't say anything but the fact is neither of you are gonna initiate shit so I gotta step in for the good of the both of you

**kenneth** : kyle he likes you

**kenneth** : you both like each other and you're both trying to act like it's not happening

**kenneth** : for the love of god you have to make the first move

**kenneth** : kyle

 

**kyley-b** : if you're trying to play right now I swear to god you will regret it mccormick

 

**kenneth** : no games I promise

**kenneth** : deadass

**kenneth** : btw you're terrifying

 

**kyley-b** : is he at lunch with you rn

 

**kenneth** : yeah?

 

**kyley-b** : send him to the 2nd floor bathroom

**kyley-b** : do not say anything to the rest of the group

 

**kenneth** : omfg yessir

**kenneth** : shit I underestimated you

 

**kyley-b** : relax we're just gonna talk it out

 

**kenneth** : mhm sure you are

**kenneth** : be safe kids I'm sending ya boy now

 

 

 

Kyle slid all of his stuff into his backpack in a single swoop and stood up. He was almost surprised that he _could_ stand up, seeing as Kenny had just dropped an entire nuclear arsenal on him and obliterated his preconceived thoughts and expectations. Holy shit. His heart was pounding. There was no way. But Kenny wasn't cruel enough to lie about something like this, not unless people really deserved it. And if he'd done anything to upset Kenny he would tell him, right? Fuck, he might go into cardiac arrest at any time now.

 

"Mr. Broflovski, where are you going? The study session is still going."

 

"I have to go to a family doctor funeral appointment? Emergency? It's urgent, sorry, see you later."

 

He rushed out the door, shutting it on his spluttering teacher.

 

 

 

**What's the deal with airline food?**

Private chat for Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick

 

**Kenny** : Stan go to the 2nd floor boys bathroom

 

**Stan** : I'm literally across from you why are you texting me this

 

**Kenny** : it's about kyle

 

**Stan** : what

 

**Kenny** : you need to meet him right now in the 2nd floor boys bathroom

 

**Stan** : kenny what the fuck? Did you tell him?

 

**Kenny** : he likes you back dude

**Kenny** : look I got him to admit that he likes you and i told him you liked him. I'm sorry bro but neither of you were gonna do anything if I didn't

 

**Stan** : what the fuck are you serious

 

**Kenny** : breathe dude

**Kenny** : you look like you're gonna puke and I will not forgive you if that happens

**Kenny** : I thought you left that shit in elementary school

 

**Stan** : fuck off I'm fine

**Stan** : thats a lie but I'm not gonna puke

**Stan** : ok depending on how this goes I might be mad at you later but right now I'm gonna go to the 2nd floor boys bathroom

 

**Kenny** : yes bitch get your man

 

 

 

 

Stan made eye contact with Kenny across the table as he stood abruptly and grabbed his bag. Kenny shot him a grin and a thumbs up.

 

"Stan? You good buddy? Where you going?" Token asked from his seat next to Kenny.

 

"Yeah, I'm good, I just gotta. Meet. I have a meeting with a teacher project. Er, a group. Studying. So I have to leave. Bye."Smooth, Marsh. Stan could _feel_ Kenny's eyeroll.

 

As he beelined for the stairs, the possibility occurred to him that this was some kind of sick joke designed to break his heart and crush his soul. God, he hoped not, because it would totally work.

 

 

 

 

 

Kyle wondered if this was how Tweek felt all throughout elementary school. His heart went out to the kid, if that was the case. The urge to tear at his hair and scream in pure anxiety was powerful and he kind of wanted to leave and avoid Stan forever, but he was stricken with deep dread and panic at the thought of not pursuing this possibility. It was miserable.

 

Was Stan even coming? What if Kenny never told him? What if he was grossed out and refused to see Kyle? What if he was in on it the whole time and was now laughing at stupid gay Kyle pacing around the upstairs bathroom thinking he had a chance in the world with Stan?

 

At that thought Kyle suddenly stopped pacing. Rationally Kyle knew that Stan would never do that to him, but now that the idea had occurred to him he couldn't get it out of his head. That would not only be humiliating, but it would completely destroy him in a way that simple unrequited pining never could. This was a terrible idea. There was way too much at risk, with too little a chance for a happy ending. He should leave. He shouldn't have come here in the first place, and he shouldn't ever have allowed himself to hope that, of all people, _Stan_ would--

 

"Kyle?"

 

At the sound of the tentative, hesitant, unbearably familiar voice, all of Kyle's frantic, paranoid thoughts nosedove directly into the ground and fizzled out. He turned to see his best friend in the whole world standing by the entrance looking every bit as frightened and uncertain as Kyle felt.

 

Staring at the boy he had loved, in some form or another, since kindergarten, he wondered how he could ever have found it in himself to doubt him.

 

 

 

 

 

Stan watched the distress on the face of his super best friend ease into something less panicked and more stunned as they made and held eye contact. He had soothed the stress out of that beautiful face countless times, but never quite like this. This was uncharted territory and frankly he had no idea where to begin.

 

He decided that swift and direct death was more merciful than prolonging it by beating around the bush.

 

"I really want you to be here to confirm what Kenny told me, and I'm terrified that you're here to shut it down." His voice wavered with nerves, but shit, he got it out there and that was praiseworthy.

 

Kyle released a shaky, breathy laugh. "Well, I hope he told us the same thing. Because if you're here to address anything other than how I'm super gay for you I'm going to be crushed."

 

Stan's soul left his body briefly.

 

When it returned, he realized he needed to respond. But that was hard. His soul had, after all, just fucked off to the astral plane without informing him beforehand. He could do it though, for Kyle, because he could see that he was getting tense again. So Stan choked out, "Same."

 

Kyle looked flabbergasted. Stan didn't know if it was because of his confession, or because of how lame it was. Either was valid, because "same" was probably the worst way to tell your friend that he is your gay awakening.

 

So Stan decided to try to redeem himself.

 

 

 

 

 

Kyle's breath caught as Stan suddenly propelled himself forward towards him, and before he could even gather his bearings he found his eyes slipping shut as his best friend's lips met his own.

 

Kyle felt warm, steady hands come to his waist, gently pulling him closer, and he let his own hands trail over Stan's shoulders and loop around his neck as he leaned fully into the kiss.

 

The boys pulled back enough to stare into one another's faces, both reluctant to move their hands off each other.

 

"Can we do that again?" Stan whispered, desperately hoping the answer was yes. He didn't know for sure if this was even real, and dammit he was going to capitalize while he could in case in turned out not to be.

 

"Fuck, yes," was Kyle's whispered response, and they moved together with renewed fervor.

 

Stan made the bold move of teasing his tongue along Kyle's mouth as a request for admission, which Kyle responded to by melting somehow further into Stan and making an involuntary helpless sound that burned through Stan like a fucking wildfire.

 

As he licked his way into Kyle's mouth, he tightened his left hand's hold on the other boy's waist and shifted his right hand down to his hip, lingering there for a moment to give some warning before sliding it back to grip his ass. Kyle's breath hitched and he released a desperate-sounding whimper into Stan's mouth, tightening his arms slightly around the back of the boy's neck to try to pull him impossibly deeper into their kiss. Stan was distantly surprised and amazed at how yielding and pliant the normally assertive Kyle was in his arms. Mostly though he was drunk on the surreal euphoria of being in liplock with the person he's wanted most and expected least.

 

"Holy shit. No fucking way."

 

Kyle and Stan ripped apart from one another, whirling around to see Token standing in the bathroom doorway, standing stock still with a thunderstruck, gaping expression on his face that slowly curled into a gleeful smile.

 

"Shit, wait, hang on--"

 

"Token, listen--"

 

It was too late. Token was fumbling for his phone as he backed out of the bathroom, a throaty, sinister cackle bubbling forth as he went.

 

Kyle shoved his flaming face into his hands as Stan pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

"Ah, shit."

 

 

 

 

**Those Guys**

10 people in chat: Token Black, Kyle Broflovski, Clyde Donovan, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, Jimmy Valmer

 

 

**chuck e cheese** : Y O UG U Y S

**chuck e cheese** : THIS IS A RED FUCKING ALERT

**chuck e cheese** : URGENT MESSAGE

 

**angel** : what?

 

**chuck e cheese** : GUESS WHAT I JUST FUCKING SAW

**chuck e cheese** : I WALKED IN ON KYLE BROFLOVSKI MAKING OUT VERY PASSIONATELY WITH A CERTAIN INDIVIDUAL IN THE BATHROOM

 

**kenny and the jets** : oh christ that didn't take long

 

**slyde to the left** : the fuck????! That is TEA you must spill immediately

 

**shimmy** : kyle? Damn boy finally ballin

 

**chuck e cheese** : YOU ARENT READY FOR WHO IT WAS YALL

 

**angel** : im intrigued spill

 

**chuck e cheese** : S T AN

 

**shimmy** : w H A T

 

**angel** : MARSH?!

 

**slyde to the left** : ?????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**craiggy lee** : no fucking way

 

**coughy** : Yes bitch!!! he made it I'm so proud

 

**craiggy lee** : you knew about this wtf

 

**coughy** : yeah boi get like me i got all the tea im like a kettle

 

**kenny and the jets** : I told your ass to just go to the bathroom on the first floor token

 

**slyde to the left** : hang on tweek AND Kenny both knew about this

**slyde to the left** : WHY WEREN'T WE INFORMED

 

**shimmy** : HOLY SHIT MARSHLOVSKI IS ACTUALLY REAL? R U DEADASS RN

 

**angel** : S H O O K

 

**coughy** : was there tongue? Was there grinding? I must know it's for science

 

**chuck e cheese** : bitch I didn't look that close I was stunned

**chuck e cheese** : note that neither of them are responding to this because they're cowards

 

**craiggy lee** : but they seem to have forgotten that lunch ends in 6 minutes and I have apush with kyle next period

 

**shimmy** : and I have ap bio with stan

 

**craiggy lee** : we gotta grill em

 

**shimmy** : yup

 

**slyde to the left:** this is awesome


End file.
